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THE LEADER
And so it came to pass, during one evening’s performance
that the Sidemen were assailed by Doubts – and Darkness
descended on the Bandstand. And the Leader turned to his
quaking flock, and saith, “Mv children, why do you doubt me?
Have I not led you through the Valley of the Loading Dock to
the Great Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and Undertime ?
Have I not banished the dreaded Macarena from the Set List
and allowed thee to Blow on selected numbers?
“Do we not play the Correct Changes for the Bridge of Girl From
Impanema, and do we not play Motown selections at the Proper
Tempo? And. do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying
:he Chick Singers nor underpaying the Horn Players? And are
there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou need not Fake
Parts? So why doth thou protest when I call The Willie Nelson
Song, or The Jackson 5 Ballad ? Are they not preferable to
Achey Breaky Heart or anything by Celine Dion ? Wouldst
thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls and
Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles?”
And the Sidemen answered him, “But Father, we look out
into the Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom; we fear the
Youngsters with the Pierced Body Parts, as well as the Ancient
Ones with Canes and Walkers; Also do we fear the Bridesmaids
with the Large Hair, and the Groomsmen with Cigars and
Dishevelled Tuxedos.
“Also do we fear the Relatives from the Great Southwest,
as well as those from California and from New York. Also do we
regard with Fear and Loathing the Party Planner and the Room
Captain. But mostly do we fear the Bride, Her Mother, who
ruleth the Earth, yea, even above you, our Leader.”
And the Leader looked and saw that this was true. And he
took his Book and flung it into the Buffet eaters. And he took
his Bandstand and broke it over his knee. And he took his Red
Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder. And he turned to the Party
Planner and said, “Now you have no power over me, Minion of Evil.”
And he turned to the Room Captain and said. “I will leave by the
Lobby Entrance.” And he turned to Bride and said, “Take thy
Whitney Houston CD and place it where thy Groom may find it during your Honeymoon.”
And he turned to the Bride’s Mother and said, “Thy Daughter is a spoiled Brat and I hope that she soon Divorces her Callow
Husband and returneth to live with thee with her three children for the rest of thy Natural Life.”
And he turned to the drummer and said, “The band is yours.”
And he went went home and slept deeply and soundly to awake the next day smiling and Making Calls to find work as a Sideman.

Author Unkown